So, I cried twice today before 9:00am. Why? Let’s talk about it later. First I want to update you on my Hanukkah fun over the past few days. Thursday night my sweet potato latkes turned into hash. Apparently, I’ll be asking Santa for a new food processor. Nevertheless, it was delicious. Friday night we had Chick-fil-a for dinner. Hey, it was cooked in oil… don’t judge. I also went and visited a friend with a surprise gift. We sat on her porch and had some socially distant hot tea and talked about life and the light we need in it. Saturday I made homemade fish sticks (wild caught and fried in avocado oil) with kale slaw and homemade french fries. Latkes are out until I get a new food processor. Sunday I made chicken and broccoli alfredo with fresh baked bread dipped in olive oil and herbs. Monday (tonight) we had leftovers. I also cannot find where I put my hanukkah candles that fit my menorah, so I’m feeling illegitimate. It’s refreshing to know that God loves my heart even when I express it without perfection. Tomorrow is Take Out Tuesday. Thursday I’ll be putting a link up for the Pinterest board I used with all the recipes I found interesting.
Back to the crying… you should know by now that I hate winter. Loathe it. The cold, the dark, the blah. Ugh. There’s what feels to be an uncontrollable depression deep in my soul every year about this time. Good thing I don’t believe anything in my soul is out of control. Choice. It’s what makes us human. It’s the cause and effect of every single thing about our existence. For more on this subject, check out Dr. Caroline Leaf at https://drleaf.com. Anyway, on top of the usual battle of Andrea-vs-the-abominable-winter-blues this season has piled on a full year of global pandemic, separation and distancing, nationwide turmoil, mask wearing, no high-fives (https://andreavsdailylife.com/2018/01/15/day-34-surprise/ ) among other things. Not good. Not helping my usual strong offensive approach to the season. What’s so wrong that makes me want to cry? Nothing. That’s what is crazy about seasonal depression. There’s no thought that I need to change. There’s no problem to solve. It’s a simple overwhelming dark feeling that makes me feel like I can’t… anything. And then uncontrollable tears for no reason. In that moment today I remembered the hanukkah story, the one night’s worth of oil and the real fact that no oil would arrive for 8 nights. I remembered the importance of the oil to keep the lamps lit in honor of belonging to a true God, not false pagan gods. I acknowledged that there’s nothing I can do to provide the light. I opened my heart to allow God to provide fuel for the light for as long as it takes the reality of life’s lack to give way to tangible provision. Friends, I need hugs. I need high fives. I need to look into the faces of strangers and smile and laugh. I need sweaty, space-invading, concerts. I need kisses. I need to walk without egg shells. Did I mention I need a world without masks? I believe that time will come again. Until then, dear Creator, light our way with the light that is beyond our own resources. We believe you are able. Happy hanukkah, day five.
